More
humour from the net
Daffynitions
The Washington
Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply
alternate meanings
for various
words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person
who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.),
appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to
give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to
attempt an explanation while drunk.
Negligent (adj.),
describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in
your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk
with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an
olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the
emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a
rapidly receding hairline.
Rectitude (n.), the
formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before
he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person
who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the
opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism
(n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n), A
Jamaican proctologist.
A
Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box
of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among
other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of
these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium
payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance
company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a
series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing
the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge
agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The
Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the
company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and
also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated
to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly
appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid
$15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the
"fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the
insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his
own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used
against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place
winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Forecast
1
A long time ago, in
Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had
a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather
conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless
foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night,
despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news
broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town
in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper
precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he
arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and
started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most
ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a
terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the
village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day
that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it
simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she
was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT
WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he
knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a
proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued
back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each
other.
During the
night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the
likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his
wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had
fallen that night.
"See," said
Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain." His wife admitted: "Once
again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you
so accurate, Rudolf?" To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red
knows rain dear!"
Forecast
2
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote
reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new
Indian
Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets,
and
when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going
to
be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that
the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader,
after
several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the
National
Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
wood
in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather
Service
again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
to be
a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every
scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National
Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest
winters
ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
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