More humour from the net

Pat was found dead in his back yard and, as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive!

They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, "Sure, it's a miracle of God!" All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks, but later that day the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on your back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.

The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.

Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on your back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.

The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

An air freight flight flying across the Pacific to Australia was also carrying five passengers: an American, A Frenchman, a German, an Englishman, and an Irishman. They'd almost reached their destination near Australia, when one of the plane's four engines caught on fire. "Don't worry!" said the pilot, as he activated the fire extinguishers and feathered the prop, "this plane was designed to fly on just two engines. We'll be fine!"

A little while later, an engine on the other wing coughed and sputtered and stopped. The plane appeared to be slowly losing altitude when the pilot came on the intercom and said: "don't worry men, this plane can still fly on two engines, but we're going to have to lighten the load."

The copilot came back into the cabin and opened a rear door. He then directed the five men in helping to jettison the crates that the plane was carrying. Once all the crates were out, he secured the door and went back to the forward cabin. The plane still appeared to be losing altitude. The pilot came back on the intercom and said, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but the plane's still too heavy and I'm going to have to ask some of you to jump out. There are parachutes in a storage cabinet. We are still over the sea, but I will radio ahead and try to have someone send a rescue boat out to get you." The copilot came back to the main cabin, dug out the parachutes from a storage cabinet, stacked them up next to the side door and opened it.

The American jumped up, grabbed a parachute, strapped it on, walked to the door, turned to the others and shouted "God Bless America!!!" and jumped out. The copilot called the pilot on the intercom, but the pilot said the plane was still too heavy. The copilot looked at the other four men and told them what the pilot said and raised his eyebrows.
The Frenchman stood up, picked up a parachute and strapped it on, walked to the door, turned to the others and said, "Vive La France." and jumped out.

The copilot checked again and the pilot said the plane was still too heavy. He turned around and looked at the remaining three men. "I'm sorry guys, but someone else is going to have to jump!" The German sighed and stood up next, strapped on a parachute, strode to the door and yelled "Deutschland Uber Alles." and without looking back, jumped out.

The copilot checked with the pilot again only to hear him say they were still too heavy. The copilot looked from the Englishman to the Irishman and said, "Gentlemen, someone else has to go. You have a decision to make. I think one more just might do it!"

The Irishman jumped up and said, "Not a problem!" He grabbed the Englishman by the collar, dragged him to the door and threw him out the door without a parachute, and shouted, "Up the Republic!!!"

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance.

"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"
"Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!". The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."

"Saints be praised, I..."
Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

(Last one. Just to show there is no racial bias. Ed)

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"