More humour from the net

Mental Health

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental home.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly slipped and fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled JIM out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the Hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news the Head Nurse Director said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, right after you saved him. I am sorry, Edna, but Jim is dead.

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. . . . How soon can I go home?"

I Can Hear Just Fine!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Old Friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
 Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. 
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Happy Christmas Anyway

My  heartfelt  appreciation  goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

  •  Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes  -  cause  I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
  •  Also, I scrub the  top  of every can I open for the same reason.
  • Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola  because it I know  it can remove  toilet stains, which is  not exactly an appealing characteristic.
  •  I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
  •  I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
  •  I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
  •  I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
  •  I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
  • Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an  e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
  •  I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on  the Internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the  1,387,258th time).
  •  I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.
  • Yes, I  want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!
  •  If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the  next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 PM  (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually  happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
(From an overwrought user)
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