Humour

I think some have been published in Sixteen Bits before, but I blame the person who sent it to me recently. No names mentioned of course - Trevor

For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words):

  1. A bicycle can't stand alone - it is two tired.
  2. A will is a dead giveaway.
  3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  4. A backward poet writes inverse.
  5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
  6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
  10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
  15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  16. A calendar's days are numbered.
  17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
  18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
  22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

Philip - 4 August 2006

Humour2

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/catalog/section/hm1.htm
More:

I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 “matches” to my keyword.
That’s like saying, “Good news, we’ve located the product you want. It’s on Earth.”

Two shepherds were leaning on their crooks at the end of a long, hard day of shepherding. The first asked the second, “So, how’s it going?”

The second one sighed and shook his head. “Not good, I can’t pay my bills, my health isn’t good, my kids don’t respect me, and my wife is leaving me.” The first shepherd replies, “Well, don’t lose any sheep over it.”

A guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

He asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me and have a beer?” There was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”


A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character and presentation, was suffering from an illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a prescription medication from her physician.

The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective. After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor’s office for another one.

The receptionist announced the returning patient to the doctor:
“It’s the super gal with the fragile lips expecting extra doses.”

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