A trucker was just served his favorite steak in his favorite truck stop when three mean-looking bikers walked in. The biggest biker grabbed the man's steak right off his plate, and started eating it. The trucker didn't say a word, he just stood up and walked out. "What a wimp!" chomps the big biker. "He didn't say a word!"

The second biker agrees, "Yeah, he's a real chicken!"

The waitress butts in, "Not only is he a wimp and a chicken, he's also a bad driver."

"Really," says the third biker, "how do you know?"

"He just backed his big rig over three Harleys out in the parking lot!"

John and Dave were hiking when they spotted a mountain lion staring at them. John froze in his tracks, but Dave sat down on a log, tore off his hiking boots, pulled a pair of running shoes from his backpack, and hurriedly put them on. "For crying out loud, Dave! You can't outrun a mountain lion!"

John hissed. "I don't have to," shrugged Dave. "I just have to outrun you!"

Soon after Eve arrived in the Garden of Eden, Adam ask for God's help so that he could understand his new mate. "God," Adam asked,

"why did you make Eve so lovely?"

God answered, "So, that you would love her, Adam."

"Oh," Adam said. "Then why did you make her so stupid, God?"

"So she could love you!"

A tennis player at an exclusive club is practicing his serves. Half the time he misses the ball, and most of the ones he does hit go into the net or sail out of the court.

He sees a small boy, who obviously had sneaked into the club, watching and smiling. "Hey, you!" he sputtered. "This club is for tennis players only!"

The boy replies, "I won't tell, if you won't."

The paint factory at Northport was on fire, and it was so hot that none of the fire engines could get within 500 feet of it.

Suddenly, the fire engine from the neighboring town of Centerport drives up, rolls right up to the fire, past all the other engines, and puts the fire out in a jiffy. Two weeks later, Northport holds a dinner for the Centerport fire department, and the mayor gives them a check for $2,000.

"Well," says the mayor, "what do you plan to do with the $2,000?"

"Fix the brakes on our fire truck!"

A child psychologist was studying the difference between optimism and pessimism. He placed a pessimistic child in a small room filled with wonderful new toys.

Observing the child through a one-way mirror, he discovered the child did nothing but sit in the middle of the floor and cry.

He asked the pessimistic child, "Why are you crying when you have this whole roomful of toys to play with?"

To which, the child responded, "Oh, I know this is just a trick. If I play with these toys, I'll probably break something and then you'll take them all away from me!"

Carefully noting this behavior and response, he then placed an optimistic child in a room filled with nothing but horse manure and observed her behavior. She happily ran around the room, digging through the manure with her hands, laughing and laughing.

The psychologist is overcome with curiosity, enters the room and asks the child, "Why are you laughing in a room filled with manure?" "Well," says the small girl, "I
figured with all this manure, you must have hidden a Shetland pony in here somewhere!"

Golfer: "You're the worst caddie I've ever seen."
Caddie: "How's that for coincidence?"

Drunk at police station: "I know my rights! What was I brought in for?"
Sergeant: "For drinking."
Drunk guy: "Hey, all right! Let's get started!"

My brother-in-law is so stupid he lost his job as an elevator operator. He couldn't remember his route!

A doctor had some plumbing work done and was surprised that the plumber was charging $150 per hour. "That's a lot!" he said, "I'm a doctor, and I only charge $100 per hour."

"Yeah," replied the plumber, "That's all I made back when I was a doctor."

"Doctor, you've got to help me. I've got amnesia!"
"How long have you had it?"
"Had what?"