Airline Stories
1. A man is
sitting in a plane which is about
to takeoff, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats
alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is
looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they
work for the airline.
The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best
there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps
down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds.
It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He
says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat
number, for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about,
sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and
places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man
is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat
number." "I like it!" says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and
down the plane aisle, and after a while sits down next to someone, and
then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over
the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks
"What the heck is going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just
found a bomb!"
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2. A United
Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney,
Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out
and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice,
then it's okay to land."
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3. The
German air controllers at Frankfurt
Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to
know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a
Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after
landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear
of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and
slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you
have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another
type of Boeing... but I didn't stop."
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4. The crew
of a US airliner made a wrong turn during
taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground
controller (a female) screamed: "[Callsign] where are you going? I told
you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'.
Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed
crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to
sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to.
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you. You got that?"
Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot
broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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5. A plane
was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After
it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New
York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should
have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY
GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back
on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I
scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he
should see the back of mine!"