More humour from the net

Notable Quotes

• Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

• I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

• Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
  

• The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

• Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.
  

• Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
  

• What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
  

• By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
  

• I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
  

• My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe.
  

• The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
  

• I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
  

• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
  

• Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you nothing.  It was here first.
  

• My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
  

• Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
  

• What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
  

• I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
  

• Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
  

• Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
  

• I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap.
  

• I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
  

• We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
  

• Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
  

• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
  

• The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
  

• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.