Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts
at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?
Geordi:
Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through
our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer
screen.
Riker [puzzled]
What the hell is Microsoft?
Data [turns to explain]
Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some
reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways.
Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate.
Picard:
But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?
Data:
Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it
creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade.
The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration.
The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually
all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will
be available for their normal operational functions.
Picard:
Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable
geometric shape idea.
. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data:
Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows
in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed
85% of all available resources. However, we have not received
any confirmation of the expected upgrade.
Geordi:
Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade
to compensate for their increase.
Picard:
Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there
is something we have missed.
Data:
Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan
by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker:
Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F!
Geordi: [excited]
Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to
0% !
Picard:
Data, what do your scanners show?
Data: [studying displays]
Apparently the Borg have found the internal Windows
module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available
CPU capacity.
Picard:
Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce
their functionality.
. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker:
Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?
Geordi:
As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have set up our closest deep space monitor
beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something
called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.
Picard:
How much time will that buy us?
Data:
Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest
time span of 6 more hours.
Geordi:
Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.
Picard:
Identify.
Data:
It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft
logo...
[over the speakers]
This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship
MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered
software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid
any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.
Data:
The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.
Picard:
Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!
Riker:
My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight
toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they
survive the tortures of deep space?!
Data:
I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits.
Riker and Picard, together [horrified]
Lawyers!!
Geordi:
It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.
Data:
True, but apparently some must have survived.
Riker:
They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers.
Data:
I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red
tape. It often proves fatal.
Riker:
They're tearing the Borg to pieces!
Picard:
Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the
Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!