Humour

A wino goes into a liquor store and purchases a flask of port wine. He stuffs it into his back pocket, and on the way out, trips and falls on his butt. He feels behind him, finds his hand covered with red liquid, and says... "I sure hope that's blood!"

A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stopped him and said: "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

NASA recently sent a number of Herefords into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it "the herd shot round the world".

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much - and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

John and Dave were hiking when they spotted a mountain lion staring at them. John froze in his tracks, but Dave sat down on a log, tore off his hiking boots, pulled a pair of running shoes from his backpack, and hurriedly put them on. "For crying out loud, Dave! You can't outrun a mountain lion!"

Soon after Eve arrived in the Garden of Eden, Adam ask for God's help so that he could understand his new mate. "God," Adam asked, "why did you make Eve so lovely?"

God answered, "So, that you would love her, Adam."

"Oh," Adam said. "Then why did you make her so stupid, God?"

"So she could love you!"

A tennis player at an exclusive club is practicing his serves. Half the time he misses the ball, and most of the ones he does hit go into the net or sail out of the court.

He sees a small boy, who obviously had sneaked into the club, watching and smiling. "Hey, you!" he sputtered. "This club is for tennis players only!"

The boy replies, "I won't tell, if you won't."

The paint factory at Northport was on fire, and it was so hot that none of the fire engines could get within 500 feet of it.

Suddenly, the fire engine from the neighboring town of Centerport drives up, rolls right up to the fire, past all the other engines, and puts the fire out in a jiffy. Two weeks later, Northport holds a dinner for the Centerport fire department, and the mayor gives them a check for $2,000.

"Well," says the mayor, "what do you plan to do with the $2,000?"

"Fix the brakes on our fire truck!"

A child psychologist was studying the difference between optimism and pessimism. He placed a pessimistic child in a small room filled with wonderful new toys.

Observing the child through a one-way mirror, he discovered the child did nothing but sit in the middle of the floor and cry.

He asked the pessimistic child, "Why are you crying when you have this whole roomful of toys to play with?"

To which, the child responded, "Oh, I know this is just a trick. If I play with these toys, I'll probably break something and then you'll take them all away from me!"

Carefully noting this behavior and response, he then placed an optimistic child in a room filled with nothing but horse manure and observed her behavior. She happily ran around the room, digging through the manure with her hands, laughing and laughing.

The psychologist is overcome with curiosity, enters the room and asks the child, "Why are you laughing in a room filled with manure?" "Well," says the small girl, "I figured with all this manure, you must have hidden a Shetland pony in here somewhere!"

A doctor had some plumbing work done and was surprised that the plumber was charging $150 per hour. "That's a lot!" he said, "I'm a doctor, and I only charge $100 per hour."

"Yeah," replied the plumber, "That's all I made back when I was a doctor."

"Doctor, you've got to help me. I've got amnesia!"

"How long have you had it?"

"Had what?"

Street Sign Near School:

School Zone
Drive Carefully
Don't Kill A Child

Graffiti at the bottom of the sign:

Wait for a Teacher!

A kid writing to a pet store was having trouble with the plural of "mongoose." After trying "Please send me two
mongooses" and "Please send two mongeese" his final letter read, "Dear Sirs: Please send me one mongoose.

"And while you're at it, why don't you send me another?"

Humour 2