Humour
- 10. The church bus has gun racks.
- 9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor
and Socio-pastor.
- 8. They use the "Dr. Seuss Version" of the Bible.
- 7. There's an ATM in the lobby.
- 6. The choir wears leather robes.
- 5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
- 4. There's no cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
- 3. They have Karaoke Worship Time.
- 2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or non-smoking?"
- 1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."
- Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
- Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to
follow.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
- The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and
north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.
- Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones
will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the
pastor.
- Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister
in his private study.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
- The service will close with "Little Drops of Water".
One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation
will join in.
- Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something
on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and
11.
- Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.
- 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
- Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for
testes.
- The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
- Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan
who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
- Can't stick his head out of Windows XP.
- Fetch command not available on all platforms.
- Is offended that SIT was ever considered as a computer term.
- Too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
- Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "You've
got mail."
- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.
- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
- Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
- SIT and STAY were hard enough; DELETE and SAVE are out
of the question!
- Distracted by cats chasing the mouse.
- TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too
hard to type with paws!").
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.
- Accept this sacrifice, O great god of the Volcano.
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff
before?
- Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a
freak of nature.
- And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the
body of the ape.
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
concentration off.
- If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
- Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
- Use CB lingo.
- Terminate the call with "Remember, we never had this conversation."
- Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
- Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me" and hang up.
- Use these bonus words in conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE
- Do not name the toppings you want. Spell them out.
- Stutter on the letter "P".
- Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
- Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
- Change your accent every three seconds.
- Order
52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an
equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
- Start your order with "I'd like..." A little later, slap yourself and say "No I don't."
- Rent a pizza.
- Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
- Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say "yes", heave a sigh of relief.
- Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni". Use the long "I" sound.
- Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred".
- Move
the mouthpiece farther and farther away from your lips as you speak.
When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and
scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
- Imitate the order-taker's voice.
- Eliminate verbs from your speech.
- Play a guitar in the background.
- Amuse the order-taker with little-known facts about country music.
- Ask to see a menu.
- Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
- Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
- Belch directly into the mouthpiece, then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
- Doze off in the middle of your order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
- Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call and ask again.
- Order two toppings, then say "no, they'll start fighting".
- Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
- Use expletives like "Great Caesar's ghost" and "Great Horned toad, Joseph and Mary in Tinsel town".
- If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
- Try to talk while drinking something.
- Start the conversation with "My call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and . .
. action!"
- Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
- When they repeat your order, say "again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
- When listing the toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
- Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
- Make
the first thing your order mushrooms. Make the last this you say "No
mushrooms, please". Hang up before they have time to respond.
- When
the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again,
change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do
you?"
- Haggle.
- Order a one-inch pizza.
- Order with a Speak-n-Spell.
- Dance all around the word "pizza". Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't use that word."
- Order a steamed pizza.
- If any of the above practices are rejected, put on your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
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